soy tan guapo que cuando me veo a mí mismo, me silbo

Loved, loved, LOVED last night’s Crackòvia segment with Cristiano!  It was genius, since it combined all the hot topics being discussed by Madrid fans now – the oh so stellar effort against Levante, the whistling, and Sara Carbonero.  I also liked the Sergio-Guti segment (mostly for Guti), but didn’t think much of the Sara Carbonero segment (they got the outfit exactly right though).  On a side note, the Andrés Iniesta “father” moments were extremely hilarious as well.

Translations and the rest of the segments that I liked…

Cristiano

Reporter: are you worried?

Cris: yes, very worried because this morning I didn’t have enough time to wax my chest.

Reporter: no, worried because the team only managed a tie?

Cris: oh yes, that too, but I’m more preoccupied with my chest.

Reporter: are you tired of being whistled at wherever you go?

Cris: what are you saying, idiot?  Of course not.  I’m so gorgeous that I’m used to people whistling at me.  (To himself in the mirror) Good looking!  (Whistles).  I’m so handsome that when I look at myself, I whistle (Soy tan guapo que cuando me veo a mí mismo, me silbo).

(Whistles).

Cris: you see, they can’t stop whistling at me.

Reporter: no, sorry, it’s my phone.

Cris: ok, well, I’m so gorgeous that even the mobile phones whistle at me.  Sometimes my face hurts from being so gorgeous.

Reporter: yes, but they don’t whistle at you because you’re so gorgeous, but rather because they dislike you.

Cris: what are you saying, that’s impossible, the only one that dislikes me is Sara Carbonero because she knows that I’m prettier than she is.  I’m going to go watch Barça lose.

Reporter: they might have some difficulties because the best player in the world is not playing today.

Cris: clearly, because the best player plays for Madrid, everyone knows I’m better than Messi.  (Everyone laughs).  Why are you laughing?

Sergio and Guti

Guti: Sergio, don’t get so close to the camera, I can’t see anything.  [Love Guti’s over-the-top fan!]

Sergio: as the camera is so small, I thought you wouldn’t be able to see me.  So Gutiérrez, what did you do today in Turkey?

Guti: I went to the Grand Bazaar and bought this ruby Rolex.  Wah!

Sergio: rubí, rubá, y cada día te quiero más… rubí rubí…  What did it cost you?  I would say a minimum of 200 million!

Guti: I paid 1,000.  In Turkey, you have to “regatear” (bargain).  If you want, I’ll show you how.

Sergio: you’re going to show me how to “regatear”?  Gutiérrez, I already know how to “regatear.”  I’m a footballer!  (“Regatear” has another meaning – in football, it means to dribble the ball past a rival).

Guti: “regatear” means negotiating in order to get a better price.  For example, if I tell you I’ll sell you my Rolex for 3,000 euros…

Sergio: ok.

Guti: no idiot, you have to “regatear”!

Sergio: ohhhhh (does his version of the football “regatear”).

Guti: Sergio, Sergio, what are you doing?

Sergio: what you said, “regatear”!

Guti: no, you have to say no, and then give me another price, do you understand?

Sergio: ohhhh, ok!

Guti: I’ll sell you my Rolex for 3,000 euros.

Sergio: 3,000 euros you say.  Do you think I’m stupid?  It’s worth at least two million.

Guti: no!

Sergio: fine, 10.

Guti: no!

Sergio: 200.

Guti: Sergio, no!

Sergio: 500 million, and that’s my final offer.  Guti, where are you going?  I raise it to 600!  1,000!  1,001!

Iniesta

The Iniesta father moments, which were sprinkled throughout the show, included:  Andrés practicing putting diapers on a fat, rotating Xavi (because, as he says, a “modern father” needs to know how to change diapers), having morning sickness, telling Pep that his shorts were wet because his water had broken (it was actually rain), and asking Pep to get him strawberries with cream because he had cravings.

Other highlights included the players praying to a shrine of Messi they had set up on the bench – Villa prays for a marvelous assist and Xavi for a goal, and both work.  So Andrés asks Saint Leo to give him a tan, but unfortunately nothing happens.