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Iker Casillas debuts as a character in this week’s Crackòvia! I love that the producers put him together in a sketch with Cristiano and Sara Carbonero, and that he became the third wheel! Also: Guti and Sergio continue talking via web cam, and Mourinho gives the Crackòvia version of a press conference!
Cristiano and Sara
Sara: Iker, what is he doing here? And what are you doing in a restaurant with your goalkeeper’s kit on?
Iker: I’m trying to resolve the argument between the two of you, cari! Since I’m such a cool guy, such a normal guy, captain of Real Madrid, captain of the two of us, I brought you here so that you can make up.
Cris: I don’t speak to snitches.
Sara: And I don’t speak with guys who have less hair than I do (in the sense that the hair is removed via waxing).
Iker: Come on… how about I leave the two of you alone for a bit.
Iker: Hello, I’m Iker, I’m like you, and you. I’m Iker. Hello, I’m Iker Casillas and I’m like you, well like you with millions.
Waiter: What would you like to eat?
Cris: A “carbonero” pizza.
Waiter: You mean “carbonara.”
Cris: No, carbonero. It’s like the carbonara, but more difficult to swallow. Take that! 1-0, Carbonero!
Sara: You score goals here because you can’t do it on the field. 1-1!! Hahaha!!! What’s wrong? Another one of your anxiety attacks?
Cris: It’s not anxiety, stupid! It’s that I’m allergic to cheap restaurants.
Waiter: Excuse me, the pizza is for sharing?
Cris: Sharing? What is sharing?
Sara: Sharing is to enjoy something with everyone else.
Cris: Well, ok, then I also know what sharing is. I’m going to share the pizza with myself.
Sara: I can’t take any more! I’m going to the bathroom to check on my makeup.
Cris: Huh? Hold on a second. You have the same eye shadow compact as me! Look!
Sara: It’s true!
Cris: How pretty!
Sara: Wow! You have the mascara, how cool!
Cris: Do you want to try it?
Sara: You mean it?
Cris: Of course!
Sara: Of course I’d like to, Cristiano.
Cris: Do you want to meet up tomorrow to get our eyebrows waxed together?
Sara: Yes! Can I call you Cris?
Cris: Of course!… Carbo! Cris Carbo! Now that we’re friends, can I give you a kiss like the one Iker gave you at the World Cup?
Iker: What a save!
Sergio and Guti
Sergio: Hey, another mine! This game is so easy. I found all the mines. I’m the Bill Gates of Camas. And what’s this? Gutiérrez is connected… that must be Turkish.
Guti: Weah! What’s up paleto? (Paleto has the meaning of an unsophisticated person from the countryside).
Sergio: What’s up quillo? (Quillo is a term from Andalucía which just means guy, dude, etc.) How is everything going in Turkey?
Guti: Here, I’m a celebrity. I’m the Belén Esteban of Istanbul. Yo por Beşiktaş, ma-to. How is everything? Has the present I sent you arrived yet?
Sergio: Of course, quillo. It’s a very beautiful box.
Guti: No, you idiot. The present is inside.
Sergio: You should have said so, Gutiérrez. Wow, how exciting! A Turkish telephone! Hello… Gutiérrez… Guti, I can’t hear you! There’s no signal! Guti!
Guti: What are you doing, tontolaba? (Tontolaba means a person who’s a bit stupid and naïve.) It’s not a telephone, it’s a pipe (pipa in Spanish, you know, like Higuaín)!
Sergio: Ahhhh, a what?
Guti: A pipe, a hookah.
Sergio: Ahhhh.
Guti: You don’t know what that is either, do you? (Sergio shakes head). It’s a water pipe, a pipa, a pi pa, pi-pa-pi-pa, humo viene, humo va… Ok kid, I have to go train now.
Sergio: Guti, Guti! A pipe? How do you smoke this?
Mourinho press conference (notice the water bottle throwing and gum chewing)
Reporter: Sr. Mourinho, I suppose that after this win, you’re feeling more relaxed?
Mou: I’m only going to answer questions that are in the script. Let’s see, next question. You.
Reporter, reading off chalkboard: Is it true that Mourinho is better looking than Guardiola?
Mou: You ask me such great questions. Well, yes. And in addition, I have much more hair. Ok. Next question. You.
Reporter: Do you believe…
Mou: Silence! Move your lips!
(Reporter): Sr. Mourinho, Sr. Mourinho, when will you stop being the world’s best coach?
Mou: I don’t like to answer these types of questions, as I’m quite… modest.
Reporter: This is an insult to our intelligence.
Mou: Don’t think so highly of yourselves. Next question. You, the handsome one.
Reporter Mou: How do you manage to be so attractive and charismatic at the same time?
Mou: Finally, an intelligent question.
Reporter: Enough! It’s easy to be arrogant since you just won, but several weeks ago, there were a lot of doubts.
Mou: The doubts make me laugh. Look. Well, it’s not working now because I’m chewing gum. (Laughs). Now I’m laughing.
Sounding like a broken record I know but thanks once again for your work in translating these! I managed to catch a few episodes when visiting madrid and didn;t understand much of the dialogue but I was still laughing at the visuals. Anyhow loved the Cris/Sara one especially – I would definitely take Cris’s make-up and styling tips over Sara’s 🙂 The “hard to swallow” comment was quite funny too! I miss Guti [real Guti I mean]
Oh my goodness, Crackovia is made of fantastic!
Cris and Sara bonding over makeup – LOL! The ‘common man’ touch from Iker was er… hitting below the belt a bit. As for Mou – lol that man rules.
LOL over the Cris and Sara part ( sharing makeup :D). Original Crackovia cannot be compared to the TeleMadrid one. But to be honest, I don’t like them milking the Iker and Sara thing more because even though it can be funny especially after what she said about Cris, its still Iker’s ‘private’ life. Maybe those sort of things would make Sara more careful while talking about RM…..
I love Crackovia Guti ( real Guti too) but the way they portray Sergio is less funny sometimes.
Mourinho is wonderful with his gum and water bottle!
lol, the Cristiano, Sara and Iker one was great!!!
To be honest I don’t like Crackovia Mourinho that much (they make him too evil I think :P)
Real-life Mourinho is funnier 🙂
Anybody else think Crackovia Mourinho is not that funny? Or is it just me?
well, not evil, boorish anyway, but I guess that’s the point (is Mourinho like a cartoon bad guy in Spain or something?)…. in any case there are funnier parodies of Mourinho in my opinion (the Mario Rosenstock impressions “Jose and his Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat”, “I Sign a Little Player or Two”, “I’m on Setanta Sports” etc…. but it’s very British humor and it’s all Chelsea stuff…)
(and why am I answering my own comment? lol)
“Has the present I sent you arrived yet?”
“Of course, quillo. It’s a very beautiful box.”
“No, you idiot. The present is inside.”
Oh, that one made me cackle so hard. :’)
Thank you for the translations!
i know i tend to focus on details but that “Hello, I’m Iker, I’m like you, and you. I’m Iker. Hello, I’m Iker Casillas and I’m like you, well like you with millions.” = SOOO funny, And the Crackovia Mou is hilarious!!
thank you for the translation.OMG those guys are so funny!:)
Hahahahaha, oh, these are hilarious! Thank you so much for translating them! 😀
I do such an excellent work translating and sharing these videos with us, Una. Thank you.
—
What’s written on the chalkboard is “hotter than Guardiola” not “better”:
“¿Es verdad que Mourinho
estámás bueno que Guardiola?”, notes. ;P—
And by “I do” I meant “You do” of course, LOL.
Ignore that strikethrough please :P.
here you go una this is the sergio + guti + pipa clip!
lol forever this show is going to be the death of me
Hahaha the waxing jokes never get old! Crackovia Mou is also quickly becoming a favourite – the gum thing had me cracking up, because I seriously don’t know how he manages to go through that much gum in so little time! 😛
THANKS, UNA!!! i love the sara/cris part!!
I find it amusing that Crackovia still sees value in including Guti and Sergio in their repertoire. Somebody there must really like Guti.
Haha I have no idea why am I so excited to see Iker on Crackovia. Thanks for translating, Una! ❤
Thank you for the translation ❤ I love Mou's one, especially the ending part!!