Iker Casillas debuts as a character in this week’s Crackòvia! I love that the producers put him together in a sketch with Cristiano and Sara Carbonero, and that he became the third wheel! Also: Guti and Sergio continue talking via web cam, and Mourinho gives the Crackòvia version of a press conference!
Cristiano and Sara
Sara: Iker, what is he doing here? And what are you doing in a restaurant with your goalkeeper’s kit on?
Iker: I’m trying to resolve the argument between the two of you, cari! Since I’m such a cool guy, such a normal guy, captain of Real Madrid, captain of the two of us, I brought you here so that you can make up.
Cris: I don’t speak to snitches.
Sara: And I don’t speak with guys who have less hair than I do (in the sense that the hair is removed via waxing).
Iker: Come on… how about I leave the two of you alone for a bit.
Iker: Hello, I’m Iker, I’m like you, and you. I’m Iker. Hello, I’m Iker Casillas and I’m like you, well like you with millions.
Waiter: What would you like to eat?
Cris: A “carbonero” pizza.
Waiter: You mean “carbonara.”
Cris: No, carbonero. It’s like the carbonara, but more difficult to swallow. Take that! 1-0, Carbonero!
Sara: You score goals here because you can’t do it on the field. 1-1!! Hahaha!!! What’s wrong? Another one of your anxiety attacks?
Cris: It’s not anxiety, stupid! It’s that I’m allergic to cheap restaurants.
Waiter: Excuse me, the pizza is for sharing?
Cris: Sharing? What is sharing?
Sara: Sharing is to enjoy something with everyone else.
Cris: Well, ok, then I also know what sharing is. I’m going to share the pizza with myself.
Sara: I can’t take any more! I’m going to the bathroom to check on my makeup.
Cris: Huh? Hold on a second. You have the same eye shadow compact as me! Look!
Sara: It’s true!
Cris: How pretty!
Sara: Wow! You have the mascara, how cool!
Cris: Do you want to try it?
Sara: You mean it?
Cris: Of course!
Sara: Of course I’d like to, Cristiano.
Cris: Do you want to meet up tomorrow to get our eyebrows waxed together?
Sara: Yes! Can I call you Cris?
Cris: Of course!… Carbo! Cris Carbo! Now that we’re friends, can I give you a kiss like the one Iker gave you at the World Cup?
Iker: What a save!
Sergio and Guti
Sergio: Hey, another mine! This game is so easy. I found all the mines. I’m the Bill Gates of Camas. And what’s this? Gutiérrez is connected… that must be Turkish.
Guti: Weah! What’s up paleto? (Paleto has the meaning of an unsophisticated person from the countryside).
Sergio: What’s up quillo? (Quillo is a term from Andalucía which just means guy, dude, etc.) How is everything going in Turkey?
Guti: Here, I’m a celebrity. I’m the Belén Esteban of Istanbul. Yo por Beşiktaş, ma-to. How is everything? Has the present I sent you arrived yet?
Sergio: Of course, quillo. It’s a very beautiful box.
Guti: No, you idiot. The present is inside.
Sergio: You should have said so, Gutiérrez. Wow, how exciting! A Turkish telephone! Hello… Gutiérrez… Guti, I can’t hear you! There’s no signal! Guti!
Guti: What are you doing, tontolaba? (Tontolaba means a person who’s a bit stupid and naïve.) It’s not a telephone, it’s a pipe (pipa in Spanish, you know, like Higuaín)!
Sergio: Ahhhh, a what?
Guti: A pipe, a hookah.
Sergio: Ahhhh.
Guti: You don’t know what that is either, do you? (Sergio shakes head). It’s a water pipe, a pipa, a pi pa, pi-pa-pi-pa, humo viene, humo va… Ok kid, I have to go train now.
Sergio: Guti, Guti! A pipe? How do you smoke this?
Mourinho press conference (notice the water bottle throwing and gum chewing)
Reporter: Sr. Mourinho, I suppose that after this win, you’re feeling more relaxed?
Mou: I’m only going to answer questions that are in the script. Let’s see, next question. You.
Reporter, reading off chalkboard: Is it true that Mourinho is better looking than Guardiola?
Mou: You ask me such great questions. Well, yes. And in addition, I have much more hair. Ok. Next question. You.
Reporter: Do you believe…
Mou: Silence! Move your lips!
(Reporter): Sr. Mourinho, Sr. Mourinho, when will you stop being the world’s best coach?
Mou: I don’t like to answer these types of questions, as I’m quite… modest.
Reporter: This is an insult to our intelligence.
Mou: Don’t think so highly of yourselves. Next question. You, the handsome one.
Reporter Mou: How do you manage to be so attractive and charismatic at the same time?
Mou: Finally, an intelligent question.
Reporter: Enough! It’s easy to be arrogant since you just won, but several weeks ago, there were a lot of doubts.
Mou: The doubts make me laugh. Look. Well, it’s not working now because I’m chewing gum. (Laughs). Now I’m laughing.