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corto!

November 23, 2010

This week’s Crackòvia sees Sergio hang out with Cristiano in an Amsterdam coffee shop, and video chat with Guti.  As expected, the results are hilarious.  Plus, Mou and Guardiola get together!  I love Sergio and Cris’ outfits!

And I love this show.

Cristiano: 0-8 against Almería.  Anyone can do that.  Let’s see if they score eight against us.

Sergio: Two seasons ago, they scored six against us.  And the other two, they scored against you in the final of the Champions League in Rome.

Cristiano: I don’t remember any final in Rome.  And, why did you take me to this place?  It’s full of smoke and smoke affects my soft as a baby’s bottom skin!

Sergio: I don’t understand.  It’s written here that all the coffee shops are herbal shops, but here, instead of drinking the teas, they smoke them!

Cristiano: Why are all of their eyes red?  Are they sad or are they useless idiots?

Sergio: They’re red because they have colds (laughs).  Hey, I know you!  You’re…. Rijkaard!  You got kicked out of Galatasary, so you opened up a coffee shop!

Rijkaard: I don’t know any Rijkaard, I’m someone else, I’m the owner of this bar.   My name is Rijkaard…trosky from Belarus.

Cristiano: Belarus?  There should be some good beaches there, because you look like a conguito! [refers to a brand of chocolate covered peanuts, where the spokesperson looks like this.  It’s racist, but most Spaniards won’t admit to that.]

Sergio: Oh Cristiano, this smoke is giving me giggle fits (la risa floja)!

Cristiano: Like the actress who played Ally McBeal, Calista Flockhart (the way Cris says it sounds very similar to “la risa floja”)… You have no idea what I just said to you, do you.

Sergio: I have no idea.

Sergio: Listen…

Cristiano: What?

Sergio: Listen, remember the penalty that I scored the other day against Bilbao?  Two games, two goals!

Cristiano: Yes, the other one was the one you scored against Casillas, in your own goal!  [In the game against Portugal last Wednesday].

Sergio: It’s better that I do it in a hurry, because you take international goals slower.  I’m preparing to take all the penalties.

Cristiano: You’re so bad!

Waiter (Oleguer): Rijkaard sends these over for you.

Sergio: Who?

Oleguer: Trotsky!  (Speaks some Catalán).

(Oleguer Presas currently plays for Ajax of Amsterdam.  He also works part time in the coffee shop of Frank Rijkaardtrosky… but you didn’t hear that last part from me.)

Cristiano: Sorry, I’m not going to sign any autographs.

Oleguer: No, no, the paper is for smoking. 

Sergio: You smoke the papers?  I didn’t know that, quillo!  These giggle fits that I’m having from this smoke…  Hey, you, aren’t you that player from Barça?  Yes, yes!  Oleguer “Prisas”!

Oleguer: No, no, no… I’m Dutch, I have been all my life!

(Singing songs in Catalán.)

Sergio: How great are these traditional Dutch songs!  I’ll definitely pass them on to the Ultras Sur!

Oleguer: Hey, let’s sing another song, “Madrid se quema” (Madrid burns) – that’s Dutch for “My grandmother’s tulips are yellow.”

Rijkaard: Don’t ask me, I’m Belorussian!

*Singing “Madrid burns, Madrid burns…”)

Guti: Wow, look at the time.  I have to leave, alright?  Corto.  [The word “corto” can mean to hang up the phone (here, it’s the first person, present tense of the verb “cortar”), or it can mean a slow-witted, dumb person.]

Sergio: Hey, don’t call me corto.  It’s not like you’re Albert Frankenstein.

Guti: It’s Albert Einstein, tontolaba. I was just saying corto to tell you that we’re finished here, that I’m hanging up.  Corto!

Sergio: Well then, if you say cortar to hang up, why did you say cortar to me again, huh Gutiérrez?

Guti: I said corto to tell you that I’m done here.  Corto!

Sergio: You said corto again!

Guti: No, paleto.  I’m cutting the connectionYou understand?  Ok.  Corto!

Sergio: Ahhh!  He’s mad at me again!!!

Guti: I said corto because this conversation is over and I’m leaving, you understand Sergio?  I repeat, I’m hanging up and we’re not going to talk anymore.  See you later.

Sergio: But if you hang up, you won’t have to say corto. (Sergio taps two fingers against his forehead – in Spanish this signifies a thick person – dos dedos de frente).  Madre mía, it’s that I have to explain everything to him.

This week’s episode also featured a hilarious remake of Beauty and the Beast, starring Mou and Pep, with Puyol and Özil providing the music!

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19 Comments leave one →
  1. jean permalink
    November 23, 2010 14:13

    Once again thank you Una.I love Crackovia and these three guys are my favourite characters.They are so brilliant.I would love to know what Cris or Sergo think about it:):):)
    Thanks for the translation:):):) You are a STAR:)

  2. Sarah permalink
    November 23, 2010 14:41

    The “Madrid burns” really crosses the line for me

  3. November 23, 2010 14:50

    okay, I am almost sure that one day, I will not only automatically call Sergio – SEXIO Ramos in public, but also confuse Crackovia with real life and if we ever get to see the meeting of Guti and Sergio again, I’d expect them to wear clothes like that and talk on skype. 😉

  4. Anna permalink
    November 23, 2010 15:17

    Thanks!!! Would u translate episode whith Pep and Mou????)))))))

  5. michelle permalink
    November 23, 2010 16:18

    ohmygod mou and pep. i cannot wait to see their interaction before el clásico.

    thank you so much for translating these. ❤

  6. emily permalink
    November 23, 2010 17:37

    Bello y bestia was ermmmm….. surreal. still gotta love Serhio y Gutierreth on skype. Paleto and tontolaba have officially entered my daily speech. :^)

  7. Jennifer permalink
    November 23, 2010 18:32

    I think Cristiano says that “el humo me va fatal para mi cutis de culito de bebé,” ie his face, not his bottom. (Although he’s probably worried about that, too.) 😉

  8. Tash permalink
    November 23, 2010 20:11

    wow…the ozil actor’s eyes!!!

  9. Michelle permalink
    November 23, 2010 20:18

    This week’s Crackovia was EPIC. I was falling around with laughter. Mou and Pep dancing to the Puyozil duet! Ozil as Lumiere the candelabra! Giggly high Cris & Sergio singing “Se quema Madrid”! Calista Flockhart! Bonus Rijkaard! CORTO! And in a skit you didn’t translate — MESSI SINGING DAVID BISBAL!

    The musical eps of Crackovia are the most epic ones for sure, and this had me rolling on the floor. *wipes eyes* So good. So, so good.

    • Michelle permalink
      November 24, 2010 06:00

      HA! Gutiflow on youtube translated the Catalan bits, and so apparently after Sergio says
      “How great are these Dutch songs! I’m totally passing them on to the Ultras Sur”
      Oleguer says “Hey! Let’s sing another song, “Madrid se quema” — That”s Dutch for “My Grandmother’s Tulips Are Yellow”. Yeah?” *looks at Rijkaard*
      Rijkaard: “Uh, don’t ask ME, I’m Belorussian!”

      *facepalm!* 😀

    • Jennifer permalink
      November 25, 2010 12:07

      Messi singing Bisbal is actually still the greatest thing EVER. I’m sitting here listening to “Bulería”, and all I can think is “¡portería, portería, tan dentro del alma mía!”. Damn you, Crackovia!

  10. November 23, 2010 22:35

    *spoiler alert*

    I am watching the game. IN WHAT UNIVERSE does Xabi Alonso get more cards than Sergio Ramos!

    Seriously, to be honest, in last few games I was afraid he’ll finally get a red card as I think he got yellows in like all of them and he seemed quite angry lately in the games, but seriously, man. It’s all reverse now.

    Oh, and now as I am writing it Sergio got a red card. Is this real life!!!!!!!!

  11. rojafan permalink
    November 23, 2010 23:20

    Pep and Mou, Beauty and the Beast! I made the mistake of taking a sip of coffee just before Ozil and Puyi started singing. It was only luck that kept it from spraying out all over my keyboard. I think that “cracked” me up more that any Crackovia yet.

  12. Ange permalink
    November 24, 2010 01:11

    OMG!!! i love Crackovia…thanx 4 putting it up..I love both your blogs…they are awsome!!! i totally belong in Spain… 🙂

  13. Cosi permalink
    November 24, 2010 04:53

    Aw, the Sergio/Cristiano one was really funny until the last bit. Love love love the Mou musical!! With Puyi, too!

  14. November 25, 2010 17:23

    Thanks for the translation!

    Guti’s outfits = amayzing!

    & am I weird for thinking Crackovia! Mou is hot too?

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