This week’s Crackòvia sees Sergio hang out with Cristiano in an Amsterdam coffee shop, and video chat with Guti. As expected, the results are hilarious. Plus, Mou and Guardiola get together! I love Sergio and Cris’ outfits!
And I love this show.
Cristiano: 0-8 against Almería. Anyone can do that. Let’s see if they score eight against us.
Sergio: Two seasons ago, they scored six against us. And the other two, they scored against you in the final of the Champions League in Rome.
Cristiano: I don’t remember any final in Rome. And, why did you take me to this place? It’s full of smoke and smoke affects my soft as a baby’s bottom skin!
Sergio: I don’t understand. It’s written here that all the coffee shops are herbal shops, but here, instead of drinking the teas, they smoke them!
Cristiano: Why are all of their eyes red? Are they sad or are they useless idiots?
Sergio: They’re red because they have colds (laughs). Hey, I know you! You’re…. Rijkaard! You got kicked out of Galatasary, so you opened up a coffee shop!
Rijkaard: I don’t know any Rijkaard, I’m someone else, I’m the owner of this bar. My name is Rijkaard…trosky from Belarus.
Cristiano: Belarus? There should be some good beaches there, because you look like a conguito! [refers to a brand of chocolate covered peanuts, where the spokesperson looks like this. It’s racist, but most Spaniards won’t admit to that.]
Sergio: Oh Cristiano, this smoke is giving me giggle fits (la risa floja)!
Cristiano: Like the actress who played Ally McBeal, Calista Flockhart (the way Cris says it sounds very similar to “la risa floja”)… You have no idea what I just said to you, do you.
Sergio: I have no idea.
Sergio: Listen…
Cristiano: What?
Sergio: Listen, remember the penalty that I scored the other day against Bilbao? Two games, two goals!
Cristiano: Yes, the other one was the one you scored against Casillas, in your own goal! [In the game against Portugal last Wednesday].
Sergio: It’s better that I do it in a hurry, because you take international goals slower. I’m preparing to take all the penalties.
Cristiano: You’re so bad!
Waiter (Oleguer): Rijkaard sends these over for you.
Sergio: Who?
Oleguer: Trotsky! (Speaks some Catalán).
(Oleguer Presas currently plays for Ajax of Amsterdam. He also works part time in the coffee shop of Frank Rijkaardtrosky… but you didn’t hear that last part from me.)
Cristiano: Sorry, I’m not going to sign any autographs.
Oleguer: No, no, the paper is for smoking.
Sergio: You smoke the papers? I didn’t know that, quillo! These giggle fits that I’m having from this smoke… Hey, you, aren’t you that player from Barça? Yes, yes! Oleguer “Prisas”!
Oleguer: No, no, no… I’m Dutch, I have been all my life!
(Singing songs in Catalán.)
Sergio: How great are these traditional Dutch songs! I’ll definitely pass them on to the Ultras Sur!
Oleguer: Hey, let’s sing another song, “Madrid se quema” (Madrid burns) – that’s Dutch for “My grandmother’s tulips are yellow.”
Rijkaard: Don’t ask me, I’m Belorussian!
*Singing “Madrid burns, Madrid burns…”)
Guti: Wow, look at the time. I have to leave, alright? Corto. [The word “corto” can mean to hang up the phone (here, it’s the first person, present tense of the verb “cortar”), or it can mean a slow-witted, dumb person.]
Sergio: Hey, don’t call me corto. It’s not like you’re Albert Frankenstein.
Guti: It’s Albert Einstein, tontolaba. I was just saying corto to tell you that we’re finished here, that I’m hanging up. Corto!
Sergio: Well then, if you say cortar to hang up, why did you say cortar to me again, huh Gutiérrez?
Guti: I said corto to tell you that I’m done here. Corto!
Sergio: You said corto again!
Guti: No, paleto. I’m cutting the connection. You understand? Ok. Corto!
Sergio: Ahhh! He’s mad at me again!!!
Guti: I said corto because this conversation is over and I’m leaving, you understand Sergio? I repeat, I’m hanging up and we’re not going to talk anymore. See you later.
Sergio: But if you hang up, you won’t have to say corto. (Sergio taps two fingers against his forehead – in Spanish this signifies a thick person – dos dedos de frente). Madre mía, it’s that I have to explain everything to him.
This week’s episode also featured a hilarious remake of Beauty and the Beast, starring Mou and Pep, with Puyol and Özil providing the music!