Two cute little offerings from Crackòvia this week: the Sergio-Cristiano-Ozi take on the Ballon d’Or gala, and Mourinho at a press conference. Side note: Bruno Oro deserves a Balón de Oro!
SR: Good evening, lady and gentleman. Good night, “ladies and hentlemen.” Welcome to the presentation ceremony of the 2010 Ballon d’Or. Let’s get to it. The candidates are: Cristiano Ronaldo, Cristiano Ronaldo and Cristiano Ronaldo.
Memut, can you bring us the envelope please. Memut, where are you going? Please forgive him, he has two ways of seeing things. Give it to me. How nerve-wracking. Who’s going to win? The winner is… it can’t be. Memut Özil!
MO: Thank you!
SR: How could it be you? It was a joke! The winner is Cristiano Ronaldo!
CR: I didn’t expect this. Get away from me. I don’t deserve this.
SR: Who do you dedicate this to?
CR: No one, just me.
SR: Shouldn’t you at least dedicate it to your teammates?
CR: Ok, alright. I’m going to dedicate this to the person I love most in this world.
SR: Now this is better.
CR: Me!
JM: Enough! Enough with this bad melodrama!
SR: But… what are we doing in the Madrid locker room?
JM: Can someone tell me who organized this little function after the game yesterday in which we tied Almería, and when you should all be training?
SR: Míster, I don’t know what to tell you, I thought we were in the capital of Switzerland… Stockholm.
CR: No you idiot, it’s Amsterdam. Forgive me míster, but it was me. I was depressed because I didn’t score and last week they gave the Ballon d’Or to that idiot Messi.
SR: Jajajaja. What an idiot. You really are stupid. The Ballon d’Or was given to Messi? But didn’t you notice that I just handed out the Ballon d’Or in this gala?
JM: This is not a gala. It’s a farce!
SR: Exactly! All this is a farce! A farce! What is a farce?
CR: It’s a joke gala.
JM: This is a joke (gestures toward the fake Ballon d’Or). But what is real is this award, which was given to me, as the best coach in the world.
SR: Yeah right! The best coach in the world, he says! You must be kidding! (CR and MO: Shhhh!) Then Guardiola must be the best coach in the universe!
CR: Míster, he’s an idiot!
JM: I’m going to find more intelligent people.
SR: It was a real award? Why didn’t you warn me about what was real and what was not?
CR: How can you be so stupid?
MO: You should be more observant.
SR: Maybe in the end, I won the Ballon d’Or and I just didn’t know it! So, I would have to give it to myself. And the winner is… Sergio Ramos! Really? They said my name? Of course, they said your name because you’re Sergio Ramos and you won the Ballon d’Or! The Ballon d’Or? Well, thank you very much! How do you know I’m Sergio Ramos? Because I’ve known you for a very long time!
JM: I only hope that Pérez Lasa won’t be assigned to us in the second half of the season; he was a real disaster.
Reporter: But míster, didn’t you say you won’t talk about the referees anymore?
JM: I wasn’t talking about the referees. I was talking about Pérez Lasa.
Reporter: But isn’t Pérez Lasa a referee?
JM: He’s not a referee, he’s a thief! He stole two points from us, everyone saw that! Almería committed 17 penalties against us and he didn’t call a single one!
CR Reporter: Do you think that Benzema is bad luck?
JM: No, he’s not bad luck. He’s just bad. Why do you say he’s bad luck?
Reporter: Because each time that Karim Benzema plays, Madrid doesn’t “vence na” (win anything; it sounds the same as Benzema).
Reporter: Míster, have you found the ‘9’ that will substitute Benzema, I mean Higuaín?
JM: Yes, we’re thinking of taking Ruud van Nistelrooy back.
Reporters: As long as you’re thinking of taking someone back, why not Raúl? Or Emilio Butragueño? Or even better, Hugo Sánchez! Or Di Stéfano!!!
SR: Hi míster, I’m here to say goodbye, I’ll see you next season.
JM: Can you tell me where are you going?
SR: Where am I going? On vacation!
JM: On vacation? But we have a lot of Liga left!
SR: Jajajaja!!! Liga, you say? You’re so funny! But can’t you see how the Catalans are playing? In addition, Iniesta just scored. See you in September!