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¡es el puto Oziluz!

February 1, 2011

There wasn’t much in the way of Madrid news yesterday, but we did get three skits in Crackòvia.  In this edition, Sergio shows Adebayor around, Cristiano rooms with Ozi and Mourinho takes a lie detector test.

SR: But why am I singing “alejando” (= moving away from i.e. the Liga)?

EA: Is it for the beating that Osasuna gave us last night?

SR: Ohhh, you’re right, “Aspirador” (aspirador = vacuum cleaner in Spanish, sounds like Adebayor).

EA: Don’t call me “Aspirador,” my name is Adebayor.

SR: Ok, ok quillo.  Why did you come to Madrid?

EA: Because I want to win the Liga.

SR: (Laughing) And he says he wants to win the Liga.  Well you can leave now, I don’t know why you came because this Liga is more lost than Pilar Rubio (a TV presenter) presenting Operación Triunfo.

EA: Well, there’s still the Copa.  And the Champions!

SR: Listen, if we play like we played last night, we wouldn’t even be able to win the pétanque tournament in my hometown.  Anyway, it doesn’t matter.  I’m going to show you the locker room now.

Look, here are the lockers.  Look, this one belongs to Di María.  Doesn’t it sound strange?  Di María, Di María, ok, María.

This one belongs to the one with the eyes (Özil).  And I have no idea who this “Marcelo” is.  It’s not important.  You only have to know two players on this squad.  Cristiano and Ronaldo.  And now that I’m looking at you, I’m thinking you look a bit like Diarra.

EA: Which Diarra?  The one that left or the other one?

SR: What?

EA: There’s two of them.

SR: (Laughing) And he says there are two Diarras!  He’s not all there, is he?  Two Diarras, he says.  And two Sergio Ramoses!

EA: I’m serious.  There are two Diarras.

SR: Aspirador, aspirador, your bag is full!

Ok, come on in.  Now I’m going to introduce you to the press.

I present to you all the new “9.”  Go ahead, give them a few toques (taps, as in juggling the ball, or blows).

No, no, I meant a few toques with the ball.

EA: Pim pam pim pam, dos tías vienen, hostias van.

SR: You got them good!  Pim pam, pim pam, he says.  Adebayor, if you continue like this, this locker room will be a party with you!

CR: What a tragedy for me.  First, I find out that the hotel does not offer spa services.  Then I have to share a room with that weird man.

MO: Shhhh, I’m trying to read the newest sensation in German literature.

CR: Look at how educated you are.

MO: Don’t you ever read books?

CR: Of course, you idiot.  This book goes with me wherever I go.  I never get tired of reading it.  It’s a book that’s so interesting… and so handsome… I would like to know how this book ends.  I’m getting sleepy now.  Can I turn off the lights?  Good night.

MO: Good night, Cristiano.

CR: What is this?  Is it day already?  Or is it UFOs?

MO: It’s the power of my retinas.

CR: Oh my god, it’s the puto Oziluz!

MO: I am Oziluz!

CR: Turn it off, I want to go to sleep.

MO: But who lights up the dark streets?  Who helps old people when they go to the bathroom in the middle of the night?  Germany needs me!

CR: Yes, they need you, but who’s going to score in the next game?  Me.  That’s why I need to rest… my abs.  Let’s go to bed.  Idiot.

MO: Good night.

CR: What is this?  In order to sleep, I have to put on a sleep mask.  I’m going to look so ugly.

I can’t believe this…  He’s a monster!

Özil, Özil, wake up!

MO: What are you doing?  I was dreaming that I was the Lighthouse of Alexandria!

CR: How can you sleep with your eyes open?

MO: Oziluz is always on duty.  Oziluz never stops keeping watch.

CR: Well Oziluz is going to sleep with the sleep mask on.

MO: My eyes!  My retinas!  I can’t see anything!  I’m blind!

CR: No, you’re ugly.  Ugly.  Good night.

MO: Good night.

CR: Noooooooooooooo!

Reporters: I’m sure that since Madrid lost, Mourinho’s not going to give a press conference.

R: When things don’t go well, he always sends out Karanka.

JM: Hahahaha!!  Well, you’re wrong.  I said yesterday that I come out when I want to, not when you all want me to.  Now I come out, now I don’t…  Now yes, now no.  Now my arm, now no.

R: Okay, we get it!

JM: In addition, on my teams, my assistants aren’t there just to bring me vests and cones, they’re also there to bring me coffee!  You see?

R: 1-0, a loss, and the Liga is practically…

JM: One moment.  Before you begin asking me those stupid questions you always ask me, I just want to say that I’m tired of you all saying that I always lie.  That’s why I brought this lie detector machine.  I’m going to demonstrate to you all that I never lie.  This machine is infallible.

R: And how do we know it works?

JM: Journalists always asked the stupidest questions… they always want proof.  I’ll show you, it’s very easy.  You see this finger?  You see it?

Look.  Who won the Ballon d’Or as the best coach in the world?  José Mourinho.

Ahhh, you see it?  Green for the truth.  This proves that I don’t lie.  Now, what stupid questions do you want to ask me?

R: Another defeat, and now the difference with Barça is seven points.  You lost three very important points here today.

JM: Yes, but I believe the team deserved a lot more than that.  And we can still win the Liga.  And I continue believing that Madrid is a much better team than Barça.  You see?  I speak the truth.

R: It’s not true.

JM: How is it not true?  The machine says I tell the truth!

R: But your nose (nariz in Spanish) says it’s a lie!

JM: What is this?

R: So, Mourinho always tells the truth?

R: I have a question.  How are you going to win the next game?  ¿Por narices?

R: Me too!  Do you think Madrid will beat Sevilla?  ¿Que dice la nariz?

JM: If I had known this was going to happen, I would have sent out Karanka.

(This one won’t embed properly, so go here if you want to see it).

11 Comments leave one →
  1. RealLisa permalink
    February 1, 2011 16:31

    This wasn’t funny. They’re really exaggerating, especially with Sexio. Is it me, or Crackovia is running out of creativity (when it comes to Madrid) ?

  2. IsaBella permalink
    February 1, 2011 16:34

    jajajajaja the one with Sergio Ramos is hilarious 😀

  3. Eliza permalink
    February 1, 2011 17:27

    Thanks Una!:D
    I can’t stop laughing at the “Oziluz” part!!!!!!

  4. Marie permalink
    February 1, 2011 17:54

    MO: Estoy ciego!
    CR: No estas feo!
    LOL I love Crackovia! They’re so mean! Hehe. I wonder if the players have watched (I’m sure they have) and I wonder what they think about it. Cristiano’s mirror book! That’s just too good. I might want to read that book myself!

    • Marie permalink
      February 1, 2011 18:00

      And just to clarify I mean a book with Cristiano’s face not mine hehe.

  5. barb permalink
    February 1, 2011 19:24

    I love the “power” of Oziluiz’s eyes…I’m still laughing 🙂 I wonder what he thinks of Crackovia?

  6. mar permalink
    February 1, 2011 20:11

    i liked the second one so much!! i have a question though: the actor that plays Cris which other characters on the show plays? i could never understand.

  7. Morales permalink
    February 2, 2011 06:37

    JAJAJAJAJA!! OZILUZ!!! and so the bromance continues…. *snicker*

    I feel bad though that I am laughing at what they are essentially poking fun at, Ozil’s eyes, but he’s so cute b/c he’s Bambi!

  8. realmadrid23 permalink
    February 2, 2011 23:04

    None of them are funny anymore! Maybe the Sergio one…but this show is just not the same without Guti, he makes the entire show.


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