a season’s worth of Mouisms

Well, we just finished a very interesting season, not the least of which were the Mouisms!  So, I thought I’d take a look back at some of my favorites.  This is just a sampling, because there are just too many golden sound bites throughout the course of the season to include.  Let me know which of the below are your favorites, or if it wasn’t included!

Game against Club América, Aug. 4, to Di María:

You, wake up, you’re making me look bad!

Interview with AS, Sept. 1, on what he can accomplish with Madrid:

Look, I’m a coach, I’m not Harry Potter.  He’s magical, but in reality magic doesn’t exist.  Magic is fiction and I live for football, which is real.

Game against Real Sociedad, Sept. 18, to Sergio Ramos, and the team:

Carvalho, Marcelo and Pepe played very well.

How can a team that was just promoted dominate us like that?  We haven’t even had a shot at the goal!  I don’t recognize any of you.

Press conference, Oct. 2, defending himself when asked why players no longer give press conferences:

In September, I allowed the press to view five complete training sessions, or in other words, 450 minutes.  And the journalists were allowed access to 15 minutes of 10 other sessions, or 150 minutes more.  In total, 600 minutes, or 10 hours that were open to the press.  In addition, there were 16 press conferences, seven of mine and also those of Casillas, Cristiano, Higuaín, Xabi Alonso, Granero, Khedira, Carvalho, Arbeloa and Benzema, plus six more after games, as well as those in the mixed zone after games.  This week, which you all called “the silent week,” there were interviews, press conferences and public events with me, Benzema, Xabi Alonso, Sergio Ramos and Pepe.  Tell me, what other club does this?  My intention was not to distance the team from the press.  You all are privileged people.

Press conference, Oct. 18:

If we win, the next day will be Wednesday.  If we lose, the next day will be Wednesday.

Post-game press conference, Oct. 23, on the upcoming Copa del Rey game:

 If there’s a repeat of last year [i.e. the Alcorconazo], I will eliminate those players who played from my list and they’ll be dead to me.

Press conference, Oct. 24, on the upcoming Copa del Rey game:

If those who play don’t play well, on Saturday I’m going to fill the bench with Castilla players.

Press conference, Nov. 28:

If Madrid wins, the next day will be Tuesday.  If Madrid loses, the same.

Press conference, Dec. 11, on a referee who criticized Cristiano as a diver:

He’s an intelligent referee because intelligent people know how to get themselves into the spotlight.  One of those ways is to talk about Cristiano and it appears that Larsen understood this.  CR is a top player, but the referee in question is very normal, no one will remember him when he retires.

Post-game press conference, Dec. 12, on his tactics:

The dog and cat refer to the tactical system, not players.  The dog is playing with three forwards and a reference, with more aggression.  The cat is playing with a 4-4-2 system, without a reference, less offensive and with greater control.  I thought everyone was intelligent enough to understand what I was saying, but they believed that Gonzalo was the dog and Karim was that cat.  It’s not like that.

Press conference, Dec. 18, on what note he’d give himself:

If I had to rate myself on a scale of one to 10, I’d give myself a 11.

Post-game press conference, Dec. 19, following the game against Sevilla:

I wouldn’t have paid one euro to watch this game.  If I were at home, I would have changed the channel to watch a Vietnamese football game.

Interview with “El Partido de las 12,” Feb. 17, on what God thinks of him:

He has to think that I’m an amazing guy, because otherwise he wouldn’t give me so much… He’s helped me achieve so many things that He has to think highly of me.

Post-game press conference, April 2, following the game against Sporting:

That’s football and tomorrow is Sunday.

Post-game press conference, April 5, on the sanctions and fines handed down by UEFA for the incidents during the Ajax game:

I’m very proud of being the only coach in the world to have been sanctioned for doing this.

Post-game press conference, April 16, in response to the journalists who walked out on Aitor Karanka:

Well then, I don’t have to respond.  According to your philosophy, if you all refuse to speak to my assistant, then I should only speak your directors.

Press conference, April 26, on Pep Guardiola and the criticizing of referees:

Now, with Pep’s declarations the other day, a new era has started, with a third group, made up of only Pep Guardiola: a group that criticizes the correct decisions of the referee, which is something I’ve never seen in my life… this is a group that criticized a linesman for making a correct and difficult decision.

Post-game press conference, April 28, on the game that just happened:

If I say what I’m thinking, my career would end…. sometimes football makes me sick… winning a Champions League like Barcelona had would embarrass me.

Why does the same thing happen to me in each semifinal?  Ovrebo, De Bleeckere, Bussaca, Frisk, Stark… why?  Why didn’t they allow us to play against them?  Why was Pepe expelled?  Why didn’t they blow the four penalties against Chelsea?  Why was Thiago Motta expelled?  Why was Robin van Persie expelled?  Why?  I don’t understand why.  I don’t know if it’s because they have UNICEF on their shirts, or the power of (Ángel) Villar in UEFA, or if they’re nice guys, but I just don’t understand.  Why does a team of this dimension need this help?  My question is why.

And a couple of random ones, from early on in this season:

To Benzema, during a training session:

If it were up to you, I would start training sessions at 12, because at 10 you’re asleep and at 11 you’re still asleep.

To Morata:

Get up, in English football they wouldn’t even blow the whistle for that.

By now, I’m sure you’re all aware that Jorge Valdano is no longer part of the Real Madrid team.  He was basically fired by FP following a board meeting yesterday, despite still having two years remaining on his contract.  FP said in a press conference that the team had decided to end their contractual relationship with Jorge Valdano, because Mourinho demanded more autonomy, and the club was willing to reorganize itself to meet his demands and implement a structure that will also serve for the future.  He refused to reveal how much it is costing the club to fire Valdano.

Valdano, in his press conference a bit later on, reaffirmed what everyone knew, that it’s been a while since he last spoke to Mourinho, other than greetings.  He said he didn’t believe there was any reason why an abyss was opened up between the two, just a difference in ideas that was exacerbated by the press.  He revealed that his responsibilities were gradually reduced and that he didn’t feel comfortable in that situation, especially after Mou rejected his proposal of a meeting to air things out.  Valdano also said that “if this is to be perceived as a confrontation, then Florentino Pérez has clearly shown who the winner of this fight is.”

This of course means that Mou will obtain more power, so I guess we’ll have to wait and see how that turns out.  Several media sources are reporting that Zinedine Zidane may become the new sporting director, responsible for the first and second team.  He’ll also travel with the team from now on to all games, not just Champions League games.  And as FP said in his press conference, the organization that the board approved incorporates all the general sporting functions into the area directed by José Ángel Sánvchez, with the coach to have “total responsibility.”  Mou will also be the “sporting spokesperson.”  FP also said that they’re not contemplating bringing in Hierro or Figo at the moment, and that the only position that will disappear is that of Valdano.