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a day in the life of…

September 11, 2011

This is really my type of humor, and since you all read my blog, I’m assuming that you’ll love this as much as I do.  The twitter account of nemesio (whose bio reads “Madridista, nothing more needs to be said”) gave us “a day in the life of José Mourinho” yesterday followed by “a day in the life of Pep Guardiola” today, and it’s hilarious, and very much along the lines of what I would have written.  It’s a take on how the press of Madrid* and Barcelona portray Mou and Pep, respectively, and I had to translate and share since it’s quite accurate.  Take a look for yourself.

A day in the life of José Mourinho.

05:30 – calls Pedro León’s house using a blocked number to wake him up.

07:00 – frugal breakfast and morning exercises to improve technique on how to keep one’s foot on the head of another as if you wanted to step on him.

08:30 – visits the president of his neighborhood association to demand that he throw out the guard and replace him with a Portuguese one recommended by Jorge Mendes.

09:15 – goes to Valdebebas.  Runs over two children but an old woman escapes.  Swears that he won’t fail tomorrow.

10:00 – uses a Ouija board to meet with the spirits of Hitler, Bin Laden and the bull that killed Manolete to share experiences and get new ideas.

12:00 – the training session begins, with the attendance of his son.  During the 15 minutes open to the press, he demands that his players smile.

12:15 – the closed training session includes real fire, like in the Marines.  The last minutes are dedicated to learning how to start fights.

13:30 – the players meet in the locker room to repeat a thousand times, “Mou is the best, Mou is the only one who loves us.”

14:00 – the police receive an anonymous call telling them that Pedro León is in reality a dangerous drug trafficker.

14:15 – has a frugal lunch (since evil never rests).

14:30 – video session.  Today’s topics: “learn how to torture with the prison guards of Abu Ghraib” and “that’s how we treat journalists in Guantánamo.”

17:00 – on the way home, the Guardia Civil stops him and fines him.  Shouts that he will only speak with their director, not with the agents.

18:00 – after slapping his son for paying attention to his friend Jorge and not his father, decides to go to Hipercor to buy some things.

18:15 – falls to his knees in an aisle in Hipercor and starts shouting and crying about how there are no mixed berry-flavored Red Bulls left.

18:55 – leaves Hipercor.  Pays with the El Corte Inglés credit card that he stole from Pedro León.

20:00 – gets into a huge fight with his wife after finding out that his son had eaten dinner without his permission.

21:00 – calls Florentino to give him the orders for tomorrow and demand that the Bernabéu change its name to “Mourinho the Great.”

22:30 – goes to bed and reads the book, “The butcher of Milwaukee, a misunderstood hero.”

02:30 – calls Pedro León’s wife using a blocked number, pretending to be one of her husband’s lovers.

A day in the life of Pep Guardiola.

06:00 – just like each morning, an angel appears at his window to wake him up by singing “Muntanyes regalades” [a traditional Catalan song] just like Pep taught him.

06:15 – Pep, who sleeps on the floor out of humbleness and solidarity with poor people, gets up and kisses the photos of Gamper, Cruyff and Rafael Casanova.

07:00 – prepares breakfast for his family and the El Raval orphanage with organic products that he planted himself in his garden.

07:45 – while out jogging, rescues a kitten from a tree and helps a senior citizen to cross the street, while his sweat makes gardens grow flowers.

08:30 – after showering with recycled water, he takes his girls (not Masche and Keita, the other ones) to school, the one that he helped to build with his very own hands.

09:30 – on the way home, calls the Dalai Lama for their daily chat.  Then he cleanses his chakras and while he’s at it, the entire house.

11:45 – leaves for the training session.  He could levitate there, but he’s so humble that he prefers to go in car like any other normal human being.

12:00 – stops at an ATM to take out money and sees that the bank is being held up.  Speaks with the bank robber, and gets him to give up and open an account with Sabadell [the bank that Pep is the image of].

12:30 – it’s all fun and games at the training session, between the players and also their families and the journalists that fill the stands.

13:45 – when the session is over, gives Tito Vilanova a gift of an eye patch, which he personally sewed and embroidered.  The journalists break into emotional applause.

14:30 – time for lunch, to which the entire team and all of Barça’s employees are invited.  Pep himself cooks and fills up the glasses with his shakes.

16:00 – offers to take Busquets to SOS Racismo (where he collaborates) and Messi to the speech therapist (where… well, he takes him) on his way home.

16:45 – takes advantage of the traffic jam to solve the Hodge conjecture and compose an opera based on the poems of Mandelstam that he personally translated.

18:00 – realizes that he’s the only winner of the Euromillions lottery and decides to donate the 160 million anonymously to the NGO “Humility Without Borders.”

18:15 – after helping his girls (not Masche and Keita, the other ones) with their homework, calls the dog pound to adopt all the animals.

21:00 – family dinner, to which illegal immigrants, as always, are invited.  Helps them to find legal work.

22:15 – sends an email to Antonio Miró [a Spanish fashion designer] with the sketches for his next spring-summer collection for bus drivers.

22:30 – videoconference with Obama, Merkel and George Soros to give them his recipe for botifarra amb mongetes and advice on the crisis.

23:55 – goes down to the Batcave to get ready if his city needs him tonight, since he knows very well that evil never rests.

Wonderful, no?

* the following journalists are called out: Diego Torres (El País), Fernando Burgos (Onda Cero), Ladislao Moñino (Público), “and the rest.”

33 Comments leave one →
  1. Sarah, Madrid permalink
    September 11, 2011 12:56

    I saw ittttt on twitter!!…I knew it as expected Mourinho, but they forget his private sessions with Pepe and Marcelo with pictures of Messi, cesc…etc as targets on how would they cause them terinmal damages…
    and Iker & xabi sitting down being brainwashed and turned into robots as they repeat after him ” referee are the reason we always lose “…..

    after that he stands on the top of bernabeu where he release his power into turing people of Madrid into army of brainwashed bitter repeating ” O-hail! King Mourinho”….

  2. September 11, 2011 12:56

    BWAHAHAHAHA!!! I love this! I burst out laughing much to the amusement of my fellow office mate. Even he found this funny despite not knowing a thing about football.

    Thanks Una. :))

  3. Sam permalink
    September 11, 2011 13:26

    LOL. Had me in giggles at work 😮

  4. endlessinfinity permalink
    September 11, 2011 13:55

    This is hilarious! Satire at it’s best!

  5. September 11, 2011 14:15

    Hysterical! Needed a good wake-up laugh this morning! Favorite Mou moment: “The last minutes are dedicated to learning how to start fights” and for Pep, “sends an email to Antonio Miró…with the sketches for his next spring-summer collection for bus drivers.”
    She hits the nail on the head!

  6. Sara permalink
    September 11, 2011 15:07

    Hahaha, thanks Una this is very funny and depicts how the press treats Mou and Pep in a humorous way.
    Diego Torres and his red bull story, his imagination is wilder than J.K Rowling…

  7. September 11, 2011 15:13

    this is brilliant!

  8. Maddi permalink
    September 11, 2011 15:17

    Hahahaha loved it Una thanks for this!

  9. September 11, 2011 16:15

    GOLD una, this is gold! But one thing is missing:

    12:15 Guardiola is awarded the Nobel price for peace

    12:45 Mou gets asked for his opinion on Peps Nobel price and he laughs it off

  10. brownkat05 permalink
    September 11, 2011 17:03

    oh my god that’s hilarious!

  11. Jenny permalink
    September 11, 2011 17:13

    Oh lord – it’s quite perfect.

  12. jellyace permalink
    September 11, 2011 17:43

    Thank you for the great laughs! Brilliant!

  13. IhearOezil1993 permalink
    September 11, 2011 18:39

    “uses a Ouija board to meet with the spirits of Hitler, Bin Laden and the bull that killed Manolete to share experiences and get new ideas.”

    This has to be like the best thing I’VE EVER RED for like a month. XD
    ahhh, I’ve been following this blog for a long time now, and I am really addicted to it, thanks for translating, you’re awesome. ❤

  14. Mrs Casillas Gales permalink
    September 11, 2011 19:16

    Fantastic!!! Really made my day, gracias!

  15. September 11, 2011 20:44

    Absolutely epic!

  16. Nemetuit permalink
    September 11, 2011 21:16

    I just want to thank you for your post. My english is awful, so I can not even imagine the difficulty of translate my tweets. Frankly, I think they are funnier in english. Thanks for your words too. :)))

    • unamadridista permalink*
      September 12, 2011 14:50

      No, thank you for writing it!! I think everyone here agrees how brilliant it was, no?

  17. September 11, 2011 22:35

    lol perfect!

  18. September 12, 2011 00:38

    haha this is great! I love the “Mou is the best, Mou is the only one who loves us” part. I wonder if the old woman made it to Guardiola’s family dinner.

  19. black widow permalink
    September 12, 2011 01:11

    ahahahahaha. this is hilarious! i especially enjoyed pep taking busquets to sos racismo and all the mou jabs against peter lion. heh!

  20. emily permalink
    September 12, 2011 03:22

    Very funny!

  21. sasha permalink
    September 12, 2011 03:25

    this is beautiful.

  22. Gilly permalink
    September 12, 2011 03:48


  23. Gina permalink
    September 12, 2011 07:50

    OMG this is brilliant! *rofl* Poor Pedro Leon but…I have to say those involving him are the most hilarious as far as the Mou part is concerned. And lmao about Guardiola’s “girls”, I almost lol at work! Thanks for translating and sharing this precious piece!

    • Maria permalink
      September 12, 2011 22:14

      very funny. I loved the inclusion of the bull that killed Manolete.

      One question – i did not understand the joke about Guardiola’s daughters. What does he refer to?

      • unamadridista permalink*
        September 13, 2011 14:12

        It’s because Pep recently said, “Mascherano and Keita are the apples of my eye” (in Spanish, “Mascherano y Keita no me los quitéis porque son mis niñitas” (don’t take Mascherano and Keita away from me, because they’re the apples of my eye), and “niñitas” can also mean little girls, as in his daughters.

        • Maria permalink
          September 15, 2011 23:53

          thank you so much for explanations. That makes it even funnier.

  24. Andrea permalink
    September 12, 2011 15:36

    Nemetuit, it seems to me that your English is great and I think others would agree! Great job on these tweets, they are hilarious!

    And thank you, Una, for posting this. 🙂

  25. September 12, 2011 17:02

    This made my day! Bwaha. Thank you for translating. ❤

  26. Rachel permalink
    September 12, 2011 20:37

    this was hilarious! thank you for translating it!

  27. RealLover permalink
    September 13, 2011 19:55

    Hahah amazing!

  28. September 17, 2011 00:12

    Could not stop laughing reading the post….

  29. permalink
    November 12, 2011 13:06

    This is very, very witty! Great satire!

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